Dumb and Dumber: America Flunks Itself by Trying to Kill the Department of Education
Because nothing says ‘land of opportunity’ like gutting public schools, torching civil rights protections, and handing your child’s future to a guy who teaches cursive from the back of a vape store.
Picture it: 2025. A group of brave, visionary lawmakers—let’s call them the Committee for the Promotion of National Dumbassery—gathers in a conference room shaped like a meatball to boldly propose what no sane civilization has dared before:
“Let’s get rid of the Department of Education.”
Boom! Brilliance! That’s like saying, “Let’s fire all the lifeguards at the public pool because most kids float anyway.”
Seriously, people. This is not reform. This is a lobotomy with a butter knife. It’s the bureaucratic version of licking a frozen pole and blaming the government when your tongue sticks.
Let’s be clear for the folks in the back of the short bus: the Department of Education doesn’t write your kid’s book report. It doesn’t put the frog in the biology lab. It doesn’t force Little Jimmy to recite Shakespeare when he’d rather be doing Fortnite dances. What it does do—when not being used as a piñata at CPAC—is help make sure schools in Mississippi and Manhattan are teaching something other than “Jesus rode dinosaurs and taxes are witchcraft.”
And now, the “solution” from the folks with the intellectual bandwidth of a spark plug? Abolish it entirely. Why? Because federal oversight is bad, and states know best! Yes, that same logic brought you Jim Crow, anti-evolution laws, and the great state of Florida, where school libraries are now just three copies of The Art of the Deal and a pizza box with the word “SCIENCE” written on it in crayon.
Cutting the Department of Education is like removing your parachute after you’ve already jumped out of the plane. “Hey, it’s slowing me down! Freedom!!” SPLAT.
These are the same people who think the Civil War was “a disagreement about linen” and who believe Critical Race Theory is a Marvel supervillain. They want education to be as local as your cousin Steve’s YouTube conspiracy channel, where he teaches “patriot algebra,” which involves adding guns, subtracting books, and dividing the country.
The DOE exists to make sure kids with disabilities don’t get shoved in a broom closet, and that low-income schools don’t have to hold bake sales to afford chalk. But why fund that when you can reroute the money to corporate tax breaks, missile-shaped popsicles, and hats that say “I READ ONCE”?
“But education should be run by parents!” they cry, foaming gently into their Red Bulls. Sure! You ever seen a parent try to help with sixth-grade math? They look like they’re decoding the Dead Sea Scrolls with an oven mitt. “Carry the seven… or is that a dragon emoji?”
No, Karen. It’s a variable.
And what happens when we do cut the DOE? Let me paint a picture for you. Timmy’s school is now a shipping container behind a Dollar Tree. His teacher is a former rodeo clown named Skip who gets paid in scratch-offs and leftover Lunchables. His “textbook” is a stack of printouts from Wikipedia, wrapped in a belt. His computer class involves licking a battery to see what electricity feels like.
Meanwhile, the Department of Defense has a brand new hover tank that doubles as a cappuccino machine.
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s not just a bad idea—it’s a catastrophically idiotic parade float of a policy, powered by ignorance and sponsored by the letters F, U, and Q.
Getting rid of the DOE doesn’t make you a fiscal conservative. It makes you the guy at the campsite who throws the map in the fire and says, “We’ll just follow the sun!”
So to the geniuses trying to axe the Department of Education: you’ve failed Civics, Ethics, and Common Sense. Your diploma is a napkin with “I tried” written in ketchup. You don’t want to improve education—you want to strangle it with a flag and charge $6.99 for the live stream.
And the kids? Well, good luck to them in this post-education utopia. They’ll need it. Because without a national education system, the only things they’ll be learning are:
• “How to write a résumé for a job that no longer exists”
• “How to pay student loans with ramen wrappers”
• And “How to pronounce ‘Kafkaesque’ using a phonics app designed by a hedge fund.”
In conclusion, defunding the Department of Education doesn’t make you a patriot. It makes you an arsonist in a library, a flat-earther with a Sharpie, and the proud graduate of Trump University: The Final Exam is a Tweet.
Now go sit down, open a book (if you remember how), and repeat after me:
“Smart is good. Ignorance is not freedom. And math is not a Marxist plot.”
Class dismissed.